Let Them But Don’t Let Them Theory

I recently came across a book written by Mel Robbins- "The Let Them Theory". It revolves around allowing people to make their own choices, releasing the need to control or influence others, and focusing on one’s inner peace. A great read but a slippery slope because there are things that we simply cannot "let them".

Example- recently I had to to tell my son he needs to cut back on his unhealthy habit of smoking two to three packs of cigarettes. If you know me, you know what this means but if this is your first time hearing me talk about my son, then let me catch you up with two words- chronic schizophrenia.

If you know schizophrenia and if you care deeply about the person- you simply cannot "let them" do and be. But talking about schizophrenia and how to care for someone affected by it I will save for another time as this is not what this article is about. It's about the appropriateness and inappropriateness of the let them theory.

"Letting them" is appropriate when the situation does not directly affect your boundaries, well-being, or values.

For example, it’s fitting to “let them” have opinions, make mistakes, or take paths that differ from yours. This approach encourages emotional detachment, respects individuality, and reduces unnecessary stress- live and let live.

However, it is inappropriate when inaction enables harmful behavior, compromises your boundaries, or affects important shared responsibilities.

For instance, “letting them” act destructively in a relationship, at home or workplace without addressing the issue can lead to resentment, conflict and all kinds of other issues that can cause harm to self and others.

What situations can you think of that you simply cannot just be letting them?

The theory should not excuse avoidance or neglect in situations requiring accountability or communication that could lead to positive change.

Here are three tips to apply the “Let Them” Theory Appropriately:

1. Set Clear Boundaries: Practice the theory in situations that do not infringe on your core values or personal well-being. Speak up when boundaries are crossed, but release control in matters where others’ actions do not directly affect you.

2. Focus on Inner Peace: When someone’s actions trigger frustration, pause and ask if that specific behavior is worth your energy, meaning feeling disturbed and agitated. Use breathing or mindfulness techniques to detach and let go of unhealthy emotional reactions.

3. Evaluate the Impact: Consider whether “letting them” is constructive or harmful in the situation. If their actions lead to harm or affect shared goals, choose compassionate dialogue over passive detachment. Meaning if you can't let them, choose to understand where they are coming from and choose how you will respond in a way that may likely lead to a more positive outcome.

Striking a balance is key in applying "let them" theory if real life. It means intentional and meaningful actions, or inactions, using discernment to determine when to step back and when to engage thoughtfully.

Here are some simple guiding questions that may help you with applying the letting them theory. Ask yourself in whatever challenging situations:

1. What is the positive outcome I want?

2. What do I have control of? (Start with yourself)

3. How would life look like if I choose to not let them?

4. What steps can I take if I choose to not let them that would more likely lead to positive change?

5. What help do I need to take those steps?

Hope that helps with the letting them theory! Yes to letting them but don't just be simply letting them if it means there's a healthier outcome for you and/or for them. If you need help with this, connect with me.